One day at a time

Flare is subsiding a bit which is terrific. I've been eating a lot of vegetables again and that can be hard - fibrous foods are hard to digest but I just can't imagine not eating them.

I had a very high veg/high fiber dinner last night and I think that contributed to what happened this morning. I woke up to a leak - another big one. I am really confused about why this keeps happening but I suspect it's because my stoma is basically at skin level so, the output can get under the flange and then - leak. I think I need a different kind of flange that will help prevent this from happening. Will look into that next month when insurance will let me order more supplies.

I am thankful though, that my leaks seem to be happening at night, not in public. Silver lining I guess?

I am also thankful and just so happy that I have such an amazing, supportive, wonderful husband. This was the first time he's really seen a leak up close. He didn't act grossed out by it, he just helped me while I got cleaned up. I know the leaks gross me out a bit so… I can only imagine what was going through his head.

I also decided, for the first time since I received my stoma in January, to shower without the bag on. It felt so good to let that skin under the flange get cleaned and air off and just breathe. I thought I'd be grossed out by it since I have no control what comes out of the stoma or when but…. with the shower I didn't even notice it really. It wasn't as bad as I imagined it would be if you can understand that.

Baby steps… every day I feel like I am taking baby steps to this new normal for me. There's so much to handle, to take it, to deal with. And I'm now having second thoughts about even getting a reversal at all. Not because I suddenly am okay with the bag, because I am not, but because… without a colon things would not be pleasant. Your colon is what makes your stool formed and I will never have that again. While a j-pouch would allow me to not constantly be running to the bathroom - I would always have the same output I have now. Watery to a thick like peanut butter type of consistency. I remember how it felt when I would have flares with days of diarrhea - it would wind up hurting to wipe. I don't think I want to live like that.

Yes, the bag is a huge adjustment and I really do not like it but… I no longer have to run to find a bathroom. I no longer spend half a day on the toilet when I have a flare. And you know… that's kind of nice.

My original thinking had been that I could try the reversal and if I didn't like it then go back to the stoma. It appears, however, that even if insurance would pay for my reversal (and they don't all because it's not medically necessary) they most likely would not pay to have the reversal reversed.

I have time to think, to consider all my options and honestly the longer I live with the bag, the more normal it's becoming. It's not as bad as I thought it was in the beginning.

One day at a time. That's the only way to tackle all this and I am sure I'll go back and forth on what I want to do but… one day at a time. That's all anyone can do, right?