Friends

The past few days have really showed me how lucky I am to have the friends I have. I would never have met these people had I not moved to this town. The town I live in is smaller than anything I have ever been used to and I love it. In April we will have been here 2 years - wow, 2 years already?! And in those 2 years I have made some friendships that are gonna last forever I am sure. I have some friends who are 100% family to us now and lots of people who are terrific people I love to spend time with.

We've had meals brought to us, Donovan shuttled to and from school, the kids watched for us (sometimes at a moment's notice), friends who have given me some much needed girl time and an awesome friend who stayed with me in the ER and made the time go by fast - trying to distract me from the 6 painful needle sticks since no one could get a good IV line. It's amazing how people band together and help you get through tough times. At some point, when those people need something I'll be there for them too - and I wouldn't hesitate for a second.

Even friends I have who do not live here have reached out and supported me. I've gotten some lovely emails and real mail lately that is just an outpouring of love from people in my life that I don't see or talk to on a daily basis.

I am still in a bit of a funk but I can feel the cloud lifting a bit. I am still in pain and still have more doctor appointments (and a surgery) to go. I hope I can keep my butt out of the hospital until the reversal surgery in April but if not, I know there are a bunch of people here who have my back.

I am so very grateful for the friendships I have made here these past couple years. They know who they are and if they're reading this - thank you a million time over. I can never tell you how much you mean to me because there are really no words. I love you tons and can't imagine my life without your friendship.

I appreciate all the love, support, prayers, meals - everything. And my friends who are not close by - I miss you so much it hurts sometimes. Even if we don't talk as much as I like, I think of you often and miss you like crazy.

OK - no more sappy shit. For now at least :)

Religion

When people ask me what religion I am I usually reply with a quip: "Recovering Catholic"

There are many reasons for this. So, I grew up Catholic. We went every Sunday at 7:30AM and sat in the front row. Every Sunday we went, unless you were sick or dying you were expected to go. I was not allowed to decide for myself and did this until I graduated high school. We went to the 7:30 service because my dad liked that it was only 30 minutes long and there was no singing. Then we could go out to breakfast and have out "whole day ahead of us." I have never been and will never be a morning person so this was never something I enjoyed. I didn't like going and didn't enjoy how structured and, well, boring church serves were.

But I went because, well, as a good Italian Catholic girl that's what you did. Then I went off to college…

When I was 19, I got pregnant. This is not something I have shared with many people and not something I talk about much, even to this day. If you've heard me tell you this story in person then it means I trust you and value you as a friend. I was in college and my boyfriend at the time was still a senior in high school. I knew that there was no way I could ever go through a pregnancy and give a baby up. Aside from the fact that my boyfriend was a pastor's son, I wanted kids from the time I was a kid so I just knew I would never, ever be able to do it. I also knew that if I went through with the pregnancy and kept the baby that I would never finish college. What kind of life would I be able to provide as a college drop out? So… I had an abortion. I didn't really want to do it but I felt like I had no other way out. I didn't feel like I could talk to my parents about it because I was sure the only option that would be presented to me (us) was to keep the baby, get married and deal with the consequences of our actions. I wanted someone, anyone to tell me not to do it but no one did. I cried through the whole thing and regretted it from that moment on. I beat myself up for YEARS. Years later when I had a few miscarriages, I thought for SURE God was punishing me. But, I digress, I went off course a bit there…

So, I went to church when I was home from college… it was the first church service I went to post abortion. The sermon was given by a priest I had always liked. And his entire sermon was about abortion and how if you do it, you'll go to hell. There was no forgiveness in his eyes for killing a baby. That was the LAST time I ever went to Catholic church for something other than a wedding or funeral. And, I never spoke to that priest again. I felt betrayed, alone and even more guilty than I already did.

I went to an Assembly of God church for a while - the good pastors son's girlfriend (and then fiancé). It was OK. I liked the people but the singing and people putting their hands in the air and all that sometimes made me uncomfortable - and really I don't know why.

The pastors son and I lasted a long while after that. We went to the same college, both graduated and even planned a wedding. I had a dress, we had a lot of things lined up before he had the good sense to call it off. I still went to their church for a while and was friends with his sister for a few years after we broke up. Eventually, it was just weird that I still spent so much time with his family. I started dating someone new and stopped going to church.

These days I struggle with if I even believe in God anymore. I think about going to church again but what religion would be a good fit for me. How do I even know where to go? I only really wonder because Donovan asks questions sometimes that are hard for me to answer. When the cat died and I told him Rory went to kitty heaven…. how do you explain heaven to a kid who has never been to church? It's not easy. I wonder if I should introduce him to something… anything. Give him a chance at some faith and believing in something even if I don't know what I believe right now. I like the idea of God and Heaven and all that but lately, it's been a hard thing for me.

Health and stuff

I don't know if I'll keep up with this, I've never kept up with any other blog I have started but whatever. I need to vent and I can't keep posting woe is me Facebook status messages…

People keep replying to my posts with "you're so strong" but you know what, I don't feel strong. I feel like I am putting on a mask and pretending to be positive and generally happy while inside I feel like I could burst at any given moment. How much is one person supposed to take, really? From October until now I have been in and out of the hospital more times than I can count. I've had so many CT's that I MUST glow in the dark by now. I've been poked, prodded, drugged up, cut open, in pain and feeling like a spectator in my own life… watching while everyone else does the things I am supposed to do but can't get the strength to do.

I can not express enough how much I hate Crohns Disease and what it's currently doing to me. Who wants to deal with ostomy bags - ew! I am so grossed out by it all and I hate it so much I want to cry. If I hear one more person say "At least it's only temporary" I may scream. I know it's only temporary and I am so thankful it is but it doesn't make NOW any easier. I don't know how people deal with a permanent one and I hope I never have to find out. I miss taking baths… a few months to some may not seem like a big deal but it's a big way for me to relax and de-stress and that's been taken from me because of this fucking stupid disease. I am constantly worried that the ostomy bag going to leak in public or that people can see it under my clothes. I can feel it when the bag gets full and sometimes you'll be somewhere that's not convenient to empty it. It's uncomfortable and annoying and I can not wait until my reversal surgery is scheduled.

And now my latest CT showed something growing on my ovary. It has doubled in size in one month. If ovarian cancer were not in my family I would probably not be freaked out or immediately have my mind go to a dark place right away but it has. At least the CT found it and found it small as most people who have anything like this don't find out until it's too big to do anything about. Don't get me wrong, I am THANKFUL that it has been detected in case it is something. I know it can be a million things and can be normal in some women but damn. How much more can I take here? This just means more poking and prodding and really, I want to curl into a ball and go cry somewhere. But I can't because I have a 1 year old and a 4 year old who need me to be their normal happy mommy. I can't just detach from life and have a pity party… even if I want to.

I get mad when people say things like "well, God only gives you what you can handle" because right now I feel like I am coming on to my breaking point - if I haven't already passed it. I am so good at pushing my emotions down and acting like everything is fine. I HATE to cry in front of people - even in front of my husband who has been AMAZING these past few months. So, that means I wind up crying alone or not at all and lately it's been not at all. I feel like it's coming soon. I am going to lose it soon, I just know it.

I had a wonderful girls day out with a wonderful friend today and I could barely bring myself to talk to her about anything important that I was thinking about because I didn't want to wind up crying. Who wants to deal with a crying friend? I had a great day with her and I had fun and I am so grateful to have her in my life but WHY couldn't I open up? What's wrong with me? I think she wanted me to vent to her if I needed to and I do need to but I didn't and when we did talk briefly about health stuff I put on my happy voice and didn't say anything too deep. It was good to get out and not think about things for a while but at the same time I know I need to start talking to someone about how I really feel.

And how do I really feel? I guess it's hard to really say because I am kind of detaching my emotions from everything right now. I want to cry, I feel like this is all just too much. I want to go to sleep and sleep for DAYS. I want to pretend that none of this is happening to me right now. I want to know what it's like to go through life without constant pain and doctor appointments. I just feel like if one more thing happens here I may not be able to take it. I am on the verge of that right now. I don't think I am as strong as people tell me I am. I feel like a faker. I feel like I am just going through the motions. Some days I just want my kids to leave me alone so I can stay in bed all day and mope. UGH.

I really REALLY don't know how much more I can take. I am still having pain but the last thing I want to do is go BACK to the hospital because all they'll do is drug me up. My 4 year old can not take much more of mommy in the hospital. Hell, any time I tell him I am going to the doctor he runs and hides and cries because he thinks I am not gonna come back home anytime soon. That makes me feel like shit. I feel like the worst mommy ever. I shouldn't be the reason my son goes somewhere to cry… you know, unless he's in trouble. There is so much I want to do with my kids but I just can't right now. I don't want them to grow up with a sick mom. I don't want them to ever remember this time - when I am not here much and even when I am here I am detached. My biggest fear is that I'll have passed this gem of a disease on to them. I think that would be worse than my dealing with this… watching them have to too.

Things just generally suck right now. I really need to have my cry fest and get it over with. Maybe another night… not now.