Health and stuff

I don't know if I'll keep up with this, I've never kept up with any other blog I have started but whatever. I need to vent and I can't keep posting woe is me Facebook status messages…

People keep replying to my posts with "you're so strong" but you know what, I don't feel strong. I feel like I am putting on a mask and pretending to be positive and generally happy while inside I feel like I could burst at any given moment. How much is one person supposed to take, really? From October until now I have been in and out of the hospital more times than I can count. I've had so many CT's that I MUST glow in the dark by now. I've been poked, prodded, drugged up, cut open, in pain and feeling like a spectator in my own life… watching while everyone else does the things I am supposed to do but can't get the strength to do.

I can not express enough how much I hate Crohns Disease and what it's currently doing to me. Who wants to deal with ostomy bags - ew! I am so grossed out by it all and I hate it so much I want to cry. If I hear one more person say "At least it's only temporary" I may scream. I know it's only temporary and I am so thankful it is but it doesn't make NOW any easier. I don't know how people deal with a permanent one and I hope I never have to find out. I miss taking baths… a few months to some may not seem like a big deal but it's a big way for me to relax and de-stress and that's been taken from me because of this fucking stupid disease. I am constantly worried that the ostomy bag going to leak in public or that people can see it under my clothes. I can feel it when the bag gets full and sometimes you'll be somewhere that's not convenient to empty it. It's uncomfortable and annoying and I can not wait until my reversal surgery is scheduled.

And now my latest CT showed something growing on my ovary. It has doubled in size in one month. If ovarian cancer were not in my family I would probably not be freaked out or immediately have my mind go to a dark place right away but it has. At least the CT found it and found it small as most people who have anything like this don't find out until it's too big to do anything about. Don't get me wrong, I am THANKFUL that it has been detected in case it is something. I know it can be a million things and can be normal in some women but damn. How much more can I take here? This just means more poking and prodding and really, I want to curl into a ball and go cry somewhere. But I can't because I have a 1 year old and a 4 year old who need me to be their normal happy mommy. I can't just detach from life and have a pity party… even if I want to.

I get mad when people say things like "well, God only gives you what you can handle" because right now I feel like I am coming on to my breaking point - if I haven't already passed it. I am so good at pushing my emotions down and acting like everything is fine. I HATE to cry in front of people - even in front of my husband who has been AMAZING these past few months. So, that means I wind up crying alone or not at all and lately it's been not at all. I feel like it's coming soon. I am going to lose it soon, I just know it.

I had a wonderful girls day out with a wonderful friend today and I could barely bring myself to talk to her about anything important that I was thinking about because I didn't want to wind up crying. Who wants to deal with a crying friend? I had a great day with her and I had fun and I am so grateful to have her in my life but WHY couldn't I open up? What's wrong with me? I think she wanted me to vent to her if I needed to and I do need to but I didn't and when we did talk briefly about health stuff I put on my happy voice and didn't say anything too deep. It was good to get out and not think about things for a while but at the same time I know I need to start talking to someone about how I really feel.

And how do I really feel? I guess it's hard to really say because I am kind of detaching my emotions from everything right now. I want to cry, I feel like this is all just too much. I want to go to sleep and sleep for DAYS. I want to pretend that none of this is happening to me right now. I want to know what it's like to go through life without constant pain and doctor appointments. I just feel like if one more thing happens here I may not be able to take it. I am on the verge of that right now. I don't think I am as strong as people tell me I am. I feel like a faker. I feel like I am just going through the motions. Some days I just want my kids to leave me alone so I can stay in bed all day and mope. UGH.

I really REALLY don't know how much more I can take. I am still having pain but the last thing I want to do is go BACK to the hospital because all they'll do is drug me up. My 4 year old can not take much more of mommy in the hospital. Hell, any time I tell him I am going to the doctor he runs and hides and cries because he thinks I am not gonna come back home anytime soon. That makes me feel like shit. I feel like the worst mommy ever. I shouldn't be the reason my son goes somewhere to cry… you know, unless he's in trouble. There is so much I want to do with my kids but I just can't right now. I don't want them to grow up with a sick mom. I don't want them to ever remember this time - when I am not here much and even when I am here I am detached. My biggest fear is that I'll have passed this gem of a disease on to them. I think that would be worse than my dealing with this… watching them have to too.

Things just generally suck right now. I really need to have my cry fest and get it over with. Maybe another night… not now.