Religion

When people ask me what religion I am I usually reply with a quip: "Recovering Catholic"

There are many reasons for this. So, I grew up Catholic. We went every Sunday at 7:30AM and sat in the front row. Every Sunday we went, unless you were sick or dying you were expected to go. I was not allowed to decide for myself and did this until I graduated high school. We went to the 7:30 service because my dad liked that it was only 30 minutes long and there was no singing. Then we could go out to breakfast and have out "whole day ahead of us." I have never been and will never be a morning person so this was never something I enjoyed. I didn't like going and didn't enjoy how structured and, well, boring church serves were.

But I went because, well, as a good Italian Catholic girl that's what you did. Then I went off to college…

When I was 19, I got pregnant. This is not something I have shared with many people and not something I talk about much, even to this day. If you've heard me tell you this story in person then it means I trust you and value you as a friend. I was in college and my boyfriend at the time was still a senior in high school. I knew that there was no way I could ever go through a pregnancy and give a baby up. Aside from the fact that my boyfriend was a pastor's son, I wanted kids from the time I was a kid so I just knew I would never, ever be able to do it. I also knew that if I went through with the pregnancy and kept the baby that I would never finish college. What kind of life would I be able to provide as a college drop out? So… I had an abortion. I didn't really want to do it but I felt like I had no other way out. I didn't feel like I could talk to my parents about it because I was sure the only option that would be presented to me (us) was to keep the baby, get married and deal with the consequences of our actions. I wanted someone, anyone to tell me not to do it but no one did. I cried through the whole thing and regretted it from that moment on. I beat myself up for YEARS. Years later when I had a few miscarriages, I thought for SURE God was punishing me. But, I digress, I went off course a bit there…

So, I went to church when I was home from college… it was the first church service I went to post abortion. The sermon was given by a priest I had always liked. And his entire sermon was about abortion and how if you do it, you'll go to hell. There was no forgiveness in his eyes for killing a baby. That was the LAST time I ever went to Catholic church for something other than a wedding or funeral. And, I never spoke to that priest again. I felt betrayed, alone and even more guilty than I already did.

I went to an Assembly of God church for a while - the good pastors son's girlfriend (and then fiancé). It was OK. I liked the people but the singing and people putting their hands in the air and all that sometimes made me uncomfortable - and really I don't know why.

The pastors son and I lasted a long while after that. We went to the same college, both graduated and even planned a wedding. I had a dress, we had a lot of things lined up before he had the good sense to call it off. I still went to their church for a while and was friends with his sister for a few years after we broke up. Eventually, it was just weird that I still spent so much time with his family. I started dating someone new and stopped going to church.

These days I struggle with if I even believe in God anymore. I think about going to church again but what religion would be a good fit for me. How do I even know where to go? I only really wonder because Donovan asks questions sometimes that are hard for me to answer. When the cat died and I told him Rory went to kitty heaven…. how do you explain heaven to a kid who has never been to church? It's not easy. I wonder if I should introduce him to something… anything. Give him a chance at some faith and believing in something even if I don't know what I believe right now. I like the idea of God and Heaven and all that but lately, it's been a hard thing for me.