Well, no surgery for me. I "failed" my tests yesterday and am not cleared for my reversal. Three months of complete colon rest and the damn thing still looks awful. I still have an lots of inflammation, scarring, polyps and an abscess. I've done everything I am supposed to do. I've even been giving the gluten free thing a try. Yes, I am still in pain but not as bad as before - although if I were to be reconnected and food was to pass through my colon again I suppose I'd still be in and out of the hospital.
*sigh*
I'm sad, angry, depressed… and a whole lot of other emotions I have yet to identify. If I think about it too long, talk about it for even a minute, I start to tear up or cry. I was not expecting this. I was expecting them to clear me for surgery. I want this ostomy bag off of my body. It's simply not fair. I've been through enough. I know I've said this before but really, REALLY, not sure how much more I can take and keep my sanity. More than ever I am incredibly grateful for the people I have to lean on.
Stephen was so good when we got the news (thank you so much hun, I love you). I tried so hard not to cry at the hospital. He didn't say anything, just held my hand and was there for me which was exactly what I needed. He really is a terrific husband. The nurse said a lot of things that I thought were nice but really, she didn't understand. Yes, I know I have a great husband and wonderful children - and yes I am happy to have them in my life but right now… right now… that's not what I need to hear to make me feel better. Let me be upset about this news because, no matter how minimal it may seem to you - it's devastating to me.
This issue sounds so trivial when I think about what other people have to go through but right now, it does seem like the end of the world to me. Right now, in this moment, that's how I feel. Those who know me well, know how much I was looking forward to this reversal. It may have only been a few months of the ostomy bag but if you ever have to live with one… you'll know that a few months seems like a lifetime. April 21 was my light at the end of the tunnel and now… who knows.
I have an idea what the surgeon is going to say at our appointment on the 16th. I'll put money on it if anyone wants to take that bet. She's going to tell me that this was an unconventional treatment and she was never sure it would work. She's going to suggest I remove my entire colon. I am not ready for that but… I am also not ready to live in limbo and have a colonoscopy every month to see if maybe, MAYBE, I've healed enough to get the reversal. If I haven't healed after three months so far… then why would another month be any different?
I don't want this. I wish so much that I didn't have this disease. How much more do I have to go through?
I don't usually use names when I am doing the whole blog thing but screw it….
Thank you Kacey. You have no idea how much I just needed those hugs today (I'll probably need a few more in the next couple weeks). I rarely cry, even a little, in front of anyone and that may not be the last time so hopefully that's ok. You've been there for me so much lately and you have been such an amazing friend. Thanks for letting me vent, cry, be mad, just sit at your house and say nothing… it means a lot. I really don't know what I'd do without you. Hope you and your clan aren't too sick of me being around :)
It's midnight so I guess I should try to sleep. Hopefully tomorrow will include less crying and being sad about this but I do think this one… this is gonna take some time.
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