A lot going on

I've got a lot on my plate right now and a lot that keeps me from sleeping. Some things I have talked very little about because I'd just as soon try to forget them and some things I've talked a lot about but are still on my mind.

Today was a bad day for me. I spent a good deal of it pissy and in a dark mood. I mean, I yelled at my daughter today who isn't even 2 yet. She wasn't doing anything bad… just whiney and slightly bratty… probably because she has teeth coming in. At one point, I snapped at her and she almost cried (sorta cried a little) then went and got her coat and asked for her Auntie. Yep… Mommy fail for the day for sure. I felt bad after and tried to not be so grouchy but damn, I woke up way way on the wrong side of the bed today.

A good part of my mind is on my health, new medications (are they working, not working… what?) and my surgery next month. I am BEYOND excited to get my reversal and also scared out of my ever lovin mind (aside from the fact that surgery and being put out is just scary). What if it doesn't work and all the problems I had starting back in October just come back? I can't take all the hospital stays and being drugged up 24/7 again, I just can't do it. While pain meds are terrific for getting you out of pain I really do hate how they make me feel - tired, groggy, in a haze - barely remembering the day or sleeping through most of it. I think from October to early February I slept more than I was conscious. That's not a life I want to be living again.

I am scared because I am having pain in my colon (and I REFUSE to take any more pain meds right now). This worries me and confuses me because I am not using it right now which means only one thing: the Crohns is still active there. What if I develop more fistulas and another abscess that just won't go away? I can't have another section cut out and another temporary ostomy bag. And I really don't think I can handle a permanent bag. This has been awful. I hate every second of it. The bag is seriously the most disgusting thing I have ever had to deal with and that says a lot seeing as I have two small children who have done a lot of gross things (including throwing up IN MY HAIR)

And then: what if the drugs don't work this time? I don't even want to think about that because… well, I just can't.

Everyone has good days and bad days and today was a bad one for me.

The good news is, tomorrow can only be better, right? Yeah I think so.