Better day

Today was good. Really good in fact. For the first time in a LONG time, I felt like me again.

I had very little pain (although I did take pain meds but not the dilaudid - I took tramadol during the day and  it helped a lot), I wasn't tired at all and actually got things done around the house. The kids were super well behaved and I even had the energy to take them to the park - twice.

My home nurse came and treated my wounds. She actually thinks I should be able to stay out of the hospital. Provided things don't get worse. No fever and no redness around the infected area is a good thing and as long as it stays that way I am OK to stay home. We do need to stop the discharge from the wounds from being green but as long as the wounds stay open and continue to drain I should continue to heal. This was great news because I really do not want to go back to the hospital. I don't want to leave my family again.

I am trying to focus on the positives instead of the negatives. The low fiber diet stinks but it's not forever and I will be able to slowly introduce things back into my diet in another week. I'll never, ever be able to eat some things again but, really, it's no different than my life has been since I was a kid - the restricted foods may have changed but the reality is the same. I can try to do some things to eat some of those foods (like blanch and peel the skins off the tomatoes for example) so I really just need to focus on what I CAN do and not what I CAN'T do.

I want this to continue. I want to feel good and be in good spirits. Last week was horrible, a low for me. I know I am not better but having a good day like this was exactly what I needed. I don't want to be the kind of person I've been lately. I don't want to be sad, complain, be in a shitty mood and constantly have to rely on others. I've asked too much and I want life to get back to what it was - back before October when all this crap started. I may have a few more bad days (although I hope not) but today was encouraging.

I think I may have pushed some people away with everything that's been going on. I really hope not, I hope I am just worrying for no reason. I've asked a lot of people, dumped a lot of people and been a mess emotionally which I am sure has been hard to take. It's been hard for me as well. Who wants to be that way? I don't… honestly I don't. It can be so easy to get caught up in the bad stuff that's been going on and I've been dealing with a lot. It is so easy to get sucked into a bad feeling, a bad mood and just go into a hole. I did that last week. That is not something I want a repeat of.