Very hard week

I've had a very hard week. It's been bad physically and emotionally. I had three leaks with the ostomy equipment, been in pain because my wound is starting to get infected again and come to a food realization that I wasn't totally ready to hear.

My emotional state this week has been bad. I've been feeling more down than I have in a long time. I've been saying for a while now that I wasn't sure how much longer I could keep things together. I am trying but it's hard. Everything I've been through since October, it's just too much. The leaks have not helped my mood at all and on Thursday I spent the majority of the day crying. I am really not OK with all of this. Rationally I know things will get better and this surgery probably helped more than I think and I will learn to deal with life with an ostomy but I am just not OK with it all this week. Today was a little better than yesterday and hopefully tomorrow will be even better than today but realistically it all depends on what happens. If my ostomy stuff leaks again tonight and I wake up tomorrow to a mess then I am not going to do well. There is only so much I can take - only so much any person can take - until you hit your breaking point. I feel like crying right now just thinking about it all.

I spent some time with Kacey this morning and that was good. I didn't say much but just sitting with a friend, not at my house, helped. Weird how that works. I also got some good laughs in when her puppy was playing with my daughter. Laughing is something I hadn't done really any of all week so that was good.

I also went to home group tonight. Kacey and her husband Todd host it. This is something I am getting used to. Church in and of itself is still something I am getting used to, something that still isn't 100% in my comfort zone so this is still outside my comfort zone. I've gone twice now and I wouldn't go if I didn't want to but I am very quiet during most of it - taking everything in and trying to figure out what I think of it all. I haven't been too good about reading the bible or any of the devotionals Kacey has given me lately. I need to get back into that for sure - no, I don't need to, I want to. I've had a hard time caring about much of anything right now. She gave me a gift today, my own bible (it's very pretty and pink! Does she know me or what?) and it even has my name on it which is really nice. It was so incredibly thoughtful of her and it makes me feel guilty that I haven't been good on my reading. And feeling even more bad that I haven't talked to her about my struggle right now because I confide almost everything to her. Aside from my husband, she's my person (if you watch Grey's Anatomy you know that's where I got that term from). But… I am 99% sure she reads this so… now you know my friend. I need some help getting back on track because right now, as you know, I am not doing well. I very much want to believe that there is a reason for everything and a plan for everything but I am having a hard time believing that at the moment.

I think just this week has been bad, I've gone to a dark place and am questioning everything. And my struggle isn't even that bad on the grand scheme of things which makes me feel guilty for making a mountain out of a molehill so to speak. People are dealing with far worse things than I am so I should just be happy that I am alive, have a wonderful husband, kids family and friends. Stop bitching and get over it already. I do NOT want to be a drama queen and I am soooooo being one right now. UGH. That really makes me annoyed with myself. Gotta stop with the pity party. I really hope things improve over the next few days, weeks, whatever. I want to feel like myself again. I want to be back to the happy, silly, goofy me. Not sad, depressed, want to sleep all the time me.

I am really gonna try to work on that this week.