More tests

Well… Went to my GI today and he scheduled more tests for me. wahoo.

On Friday I get to go have some horrifying sounding test where they will insert liquid and dye and I think he said some air as well, into my bladder while I am under a CT type machine and look to see if  the dye comes out anywhere. If it does… I have a fistula and I'll get the pleasure of yet another surgery.

The doctor explained this test to me and I am sure I looked completely horrified. My first question was:
"Is this going to hurt?"

His answer means hell yeah it will:
"Wellll, I'm not gonna lie to you, it's not gonna feel great."

Super super awesome fantastic, bring it on I guess.

Oh and I can apparently drive myself to and from this appointment which means that my super fun gonna hurt test is not going to involve any type of pain drugs. Yipee.

Now, I did have a urinalysis last week and there was bacteria there so there are a few possible outcomes from this test on Friday:

1. I have a fistula from some part of my small intestine to my bladder.
2. I have something that went wrong from surgery in April (perhaps a small part of bowel somehow didn't come out and then attached itself to my bladder or my bladder was nicked during surgery)
3. or, I have a bladder infection.

Doctor thinks #1 is the most likely scenario because I've been having problems with fistulas since October at least. The downside to this is if I have a fistula it mans my Crohns has now decided to take up residence and be active in my small intestine which is bad. This will mean that the Humira is NOT working. We do no want this to be the issue. This will mean the surgery didn't really do what we were hoping which would be to put me into some sort of remission.

#2 is not as likely because my surgery was April 21 so… if it was a surgical complication I should have seen something before now. However, the human body can do weird things so this is a possibility. Not what I want either because this will also take surgery to fix.

#3 would be terrific. I'll take a bladder infection over anything else because that's just antibiotics. 

I am feeling very upset over this. For many reasons. One, I feel like this whole ordeal is a never ending nightmare. I want to be done for a while. seriously. Two, I don't want to leave my family and be holed up in a hospital AGAIN. No. And three… another surgery this year means that our family vacation in November, the one we all really need and I am very much looking forward to - probably won't happen. If we have more hospital bills then we can't afford Disney as well. And while I protest to my husband that we already paid the non-refundable deposit… yeah, I just don't know what will happen.

I am just so frustrated, upset, angry…. why can't this just be done? Over with? Will I ever feel better again, ever? enough is enough. My very wise friend told me "this will end" - and I know she's right but for the love of you know who… ENOUGH ALREADY. I yield, I call uncle… what? what do I need to do here. I just wish things were different. I wish I were healthy. I wish a lot of things right now.

I kinda wish I didn't have to go alone on Friday because I am more than a little nervous about this test.