Will it ever end?

So things were looking up. Surgical wounds are FINALLY closing and not infected. I don't even need to pack them anymore. I was feeling good - no Crohns flares. Aside from a little insomnia bout, I had a good week!

And then… a few days ago I started having pain again. It was slight, barely a blip in my pain radar… a 1 or 2 for me (probably higher for others but my pain scale is way skewed) - bout nothing that gave me any cause for concern.

I ignored it as I often do. As I have learned over the past 26 years to do. It's second nature for me to ignore Crohns pain - especially when it's not that bad.

Then I started noticed something and I am fairly certain I have a fistula. How is that treated? I honestly do not know because I've only ever been hospitalized because of them. I started noticing something this morning when I went to the bathroom. At first I thought it was old blood - weird because I had my period last week. I ignored it and just figured that's all it was.

The pain throughout the day slowly got worse.

Now I am having more discharge and upon closer inspection - it's not blood. ew ew ew ew. Aside from this probable fistula this will SURELY cause a yeast infection. FABULOUS.

This has never happened to me like this before. My fistulas have always been internal from one part of my colon to another. Never small intestine to bladder or somewhere down there…

And… if I am having pain it only means one thing… Crohns is acting up in my small intestine now. I'd say pain wise right now, I am at a 5 or a 6 for me… not good. Not good at all.

I am gonna go cry. For real. ENOUGH. I've had it. I can not handle this. I am not doing this - I am DONE with doctors, hospitals, ER visits, IVs, asking friends and family to help with my kids who are so messed up already from all of this shit. I don't want to be sick. I don't want this disease, I am so so done. I really believed that the surgery would help keep me healthy. I honestly thought that all the prayer would help. I really really thought I was in for a good run here. W T F.